Death #45
If you don't read this email you will die, if you do read this email you will also die.
Hey all, yes the title is as simple as that. Death.
I’m not sure you should read this one, it’s a view I believe in but it might not be for everyone.
Next week I’ll try to do something a bit more upbeat.
Death
A few weeks ago I missed a newsletter. I didn’t comment about missing it, I just let it pass. Well, my Mum died. She died at the young age of 66. We had an unusual relationship, not one of mother and son, in fact, I wouldn’t know how to describe it. In short, we hadn’t really been part of each other’s lives for over 20 years, and honestly - we could round that sentiment up to the full 44 years. Which is an immensely sad statement to write in itself.
I am just grateful that a few years ago we were able to meet up, spend a nice afternoon with each other and leave on good terms.
A genuine ask - please don’t reach out and offer any condolences. This isn’t a sympathy request post.
Now I’ve been thinking about death for a while, ever since I started reading about stoicism, and I just wanted to share a few thoughts on the subject.
What’s after life?
I’ll say this upfront, I can’t answer this, and I’m not sure anyone can.
I once heard a vicar trying to explain what heaven was to a child, and to be fair it wasn’t a description of white fluffy clouds and pearly white gates. Instead, the vicar explained - well nobody really knows, and while we have descriptions and have made attempts to explain it - it is beyond our comprehension.
Now I’m not religious, but I’m also not ‘not religious’ either. I’m a guy who’s not sure but highly optimistic that everything will be fine.
So when I have seen people die, and I’m at the age where I’ve seen a few people die, I often think to myself - “I hope they are in a better place”.
In my case specifically, I hoped/imagined that when my Nanna died she was reunited with my Grandad, her brother and sisters, and the many friends she outlived. And more recently, I hoped/imagined that my mum was reunited with her mum and dad, and she was surrounded with the love that she deserved.
In all honestly, I don’t know what happened to them.
One common theme both the vicar and I share in this example is the idea of the ‘perpetual self’.
Which is the idea that ‘the self’ goes on.
It turns out, that the idea of a perpetual self is actually a complicated subject. Far too complicated for this section of the newsletter but I recommend reading different views on it.
In reality, both my thought process and the ideas the vicar shared with the small child are based on faith or belief.
The challenge with faith or belief is that they are focused on two things - the future, and on outcomes which you can not control.
Now let’s take a more stoic view upon the subject of death.
What is death? A scary mask. Take it off – see, it doesn’t bite. Eventually, body and soul will have to separate, just as they existed separately before we were born - Epictetus
Memento mori
One thought that sticks in my head the most is ‘memento mori’ which translates to ‘remember that you [have to] die’.
Some people find that statement a little morbid.
To be honest, my experience so far is that most people don’t like talking about it (edit - ‘it’, I mean ‘death’, see I’m even avoiding it).
Which I understand and find strange at the same time.
I understand, because it’s a difficult thing to talk about. In one survey, 53% said they didn’t know how to talk about death and this resulted in 33% of people saying they would avoid talking to someone about the death of a loved one because they are frightened of upsetting them.
And I find it strange because 100% of the respondents to the survey will die. Just as 100% of the people reading this will die.
Yet we find it difficult to talk about.
Perspective is important here….
I will die, I don’t know when I will die. I could live until I’m 90+ like my Nanna, I could live to the average age of 79, I could live until 66 like my Mum, or I could die any time before them. I could even die before hitting ‘send’ on this email.
When I think about ‘memento mori’, and accept the idea that I will die, it prompts me to think about ‘now’.
But knowing that I could die at any moment, and accepting that it gives me power.
In fact, it is the denial or hiding from an absolute fact that is the cause of suffering, not the fact itself.
So let’s visualise it…
Each dot represents 1 week. The image contains 80 years worth of 1 weeks.
You can probably guess, the black ones are the weeks I’ve been alive.
If I live to the average male age, I can take 1 subsection (52 weeks) off the image.
But look how lucky I am. I’ve lived for 2,324 weeks / 16,273 days.
I’ve known people who have lived less than 104 weeks, even an unborn baby who died 2 days before birth (yes it is shit writing that and I want to omit it, but that is contradictory to the purpose of this - death happens, all the time).
Yet I’ve been lucky enough to have made it through 2,324 weeks / 16,273 days. I did nothing to earn those days or weeks, I was given them by chance.
If I’m lucky and live until the age at which my mum died, then I have 1,119 more weeks (7,833 days). If I’m even luckier and I get to the average male age of 79 it will mean I have 1,797 more weeks (12,579 days).
But, none of this is guaranteed. I am not entitled to that time.
This fact is not tragic, or unfair or depressing. It is simply how it is - ‘memento mori’.
The call to action
Now I’m sure you’ve looked at the representation of my life in dots, and either taken a few off or added a few on. And while it might hurt some of you at first, trust me - knowing the truth is a superpower.
Knowledge and the acknowledgement of our finite time make you develop a laser-like focus on the time we have left.
It helps us start to think about how we want to live, what direction we should move into and how we want to fill the remaining white dots.
But there is a more pressing issue… in all honesty, we don’t truly know how much time we have left, we don’t know if this week is our last week, we don’t know if today is our last day.
And as Marcus Aurelius says…
“You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.” - Marcus Aurelius
So my call to action is this…
Act as if today is your last day. I don’t mean anything crazy or big. It can be as simple as living in the moment like it will be the last time you get to do it…
taking time to enjoy the company of your friend or a loved one
listen to your child read and take joy in that time
be kind to your neighbours
let trivial quarrels pass quickly
text your friend that message to say you appreciate them
And if you want to lift your head up and plan a little longer, then don’t put things off. Do all the things you want to do sooner rather than later because you are not guaranteed that time.
Fin.
And if you do know someone who didn’t die, I’d love to hear about them.
John