The subtle art of saying YES #41
Hey all, Happy Friday.
I just want to give you a heads-up, I won’t be writing a newsletter next week - we can all have a rest.
I’m going to be having a reduced week of social media and tech. Not a full cut-off, just a reduced week. So, no newsletter.
This week we’re looking at saying Yes more, being honest and saying No when needed and avoiding any Maybes.
It may seem like a simple topic, but I assure you - it’s not.
Let’s begin…
Have you ever heard the saying…
If you stand still long enough you’ll grow roots
(Maybe I made that up, I just searched Google for the source and all it gave me was gardening tips. If no one can find the source, I’ll claim that as mine.)
What it means is, if nothing changes you’ll become fixed on what you do, fixed in how you behave, fixed in your beliefs and even limit future options available to you.
Through inaction, you become fixed, you have grown roots and are now planted in one spot.
I see this all the time.
One reason for this is that change is difficult, and saying YES to things which are different is also difficult.
Maybe is a No.
Ever asked a friend a question and you don’t get a clear ‘yes’?
The questions can be anything like:
Want to go out this weekend for a beer?
Are you going to apply for that job you talked about?
Are you going to start that side project?
Fancy coming along to {activity} this week?
And you get answers like this:
I’ll have to see what I’m doing.
I’ll have a think about it
Maybe, when I get some free time
Maybe next week
These are not ‘yes’ answers, they are hidden no’s.
A No is better than a Maybe
Sometimes you do need to say No.
Sometimes things are just not ‘your cup of tea’ (do our international readers get that reference?)
Sometimes the options are just bad choices.
So sometimes you have to say No.
But a ‘maybe’ can be more harmful than a No.
Let’s take the last question as an example, “Fancy coming along to {activity} this week?” The first time you give a “maybe” answer, the person will perhaps ask the same question again later, but you still give a “maybe” answer. Perhaps the person will ask you a 3rd time. Again a “maybe” answer. After a while, the person will start having some negative thoughts about asking you a 4th/5th time. Eventually, they will stop asking you.
Perhaps the {activity} was not something you’d be interested in. You knew it wasn’t, but for some reason, you didn’t want to say a direct No. Maybe you thought you’d upset the person, maybe you’re trying to protect that person from a rejection.
So by giving maybe answers you didn’t have to do the {activity} and you didn’t let the person down.
So you win right? Wrong! You just limit future options.
People don’t like being messed about and after multiple Maybe’s they know it was a No, you know it was a No. And now everyone is wasting their time, and even an uncomfortable feeling can set in
So what is the answer?
Just say No, people respect that.
Want to go for a beer this weekend? No, I don’t like going for beers - but I’ll go for a coffee some other time. Or, No, I like to keep my weekends for my family time.
Fancy coming along to {activity} tonight? No, it’s not my sort of thing - but keep me in mind for other things.
People can accept that.
The problem so far
The problem so far is that we have still grown roots, we are still planted in the same place.
We haven’t grown.
But the real problem is, of the Yes, No, Maybes, or “I’m washing my hair that weekend” options- Yes is the hardest to say.
Why?
Try this - stand up, look at your feet and imagine you have roots growing from the bottom of your feet and into the ground.
Imagine how hard it would be to lift your feet, even with the smallest of roots. Now imagine how difficult it would be to lift your feet if you had some well-established roots.
Now we don’t have physical roots growing out of our feet, but we do have roots in our beliefs and our behaviours. And therefore, changing them can be difficult.
And this is why you find it hard to say Yes sometimes.
So what happens if you say Yes more?
Have you seen the movie Liar Liar? (yes another Jim Carrey reference)
In that film, he can’t lie and instead, he goes off on an adventure meeting people he wouldn’t normally meet.
Saying Yes is like that too.
You get to experience more things in life.
You get to experience things outside of your norm.
Some real examples…
I was watching my son do Judo and every week the instructors would say “you should have a go”. I gave them so many Maybe answers that I actually ran out of them. The good news was that I ran out of Maybe answers before they ran out of willingness to ask me, so one day I turned up with my gear and said Yes. I did it for a couple of years, met some great people, got fitter and learned some judo. I loved it. I even experienced breaking my ribs and being laid on the sofa for a few weeks, not ideal - but still an experience.
I got asked to move to Ireland 4 years ago. I could have said no, people around me had excuses ready for me to allow me to say no. But I said yes, and the family said yes. It was scary, yes it was outside my norm, and it’s been a great experience so far.
I got accepted onto a funded Masters course in games development, I was really excited to do it. The course was cancelled 2 weeks before the start and they said I could transfer to a machine learning course or find a different university. I didn’t know anything about machine learning back then, I wasn’t that great at maths either and I only had average programming skills. But I said yes and it opened up a whole new career path for me.
I applied for a funded PhD, I wanted to do it in reinforcement learning but during the interview, I realised it wouldn’t cover that. I said yes anyway and in return, I got the greatest 3 years of my career - researching and learning, fully flexible working, funding, 3 years of job security and ultimately a doctorate.
Towards the end of my PhD, I got asked if I wanted to talk to a company about machine learning. I’d done a lot of this and was exhausted by the thought of doing it again. But I said yes, mainly to help someone out. That yes turned into my first job after my PhD.
Some less-than-dramatic examples
It doesn’t have to be these huge things, opportunities to say ‘yes’ come along all the time.
I was planning to meet my old colleague and friend for a coffee. I changed the venue when I asked - “Fancy going for a walk around Glendalough instead?”.
He could have said No, and that would have been fine, I would have understood, that it was a big walk and that it’s not for everyone.
Instead, he said Yes and off we went. And instead of sitting in a coffee shop for 60 minutes chatting, we walked for 2 or 3 hours, enjoying the views, seeing the Deer and still chatting all the way.
That day was way better for both of us than meeting in that coffee shop.
My final example…
I asked my sailing mentor - “Fancy going out for a sail to Rockabill lighthouse”. He came back with a very clear “No I don’t want to go that far this time” and I accepted that.
But he also said, “What about sailing around Lambay island?”.
I’ve always wanted to sail around Lambay, so I jumped at the chance.
What an experience it was, some of the most unusual conditions I’ve sailed in. And I was so glad I went with someone more experienced.
To the point
A lot of times when you say No it’s because you’ve grown roots. You grow roots in your behaviours, the way you do things or the way you think.
And it can be difficult to break those roots.
You may have used Maybe answers too many times too, and now people don’t ask you as much as they could. You might have fewer and fewer opportunities now and as you go on.
But it’s not too late. You can start saying Yes more, but it’s a conscious effort.
And by saying Yes more, you are opening yourself up to newer and more exciting opportunities.
And if you can’t say Yes - then be direct and say No.
Fin.
Have a great weekend, and I wish you all the best.
John